Creeping back in slowly

I've spent the last month asking myself whether or not to continue this blog. Not a lot of people read it or know about it, and I rarely updated it in the past. I think I'd like to address the former by addressing the latter.

I'm going to try to make this blog more of a daily journal. I usually posted when I had reached a milestone, setbacks, or an epiphany, but not much else. People got to read about my highs and lows but nothing in between. That's the place where most of us spend a lot of our time... In between...

The past several weeks have been a little rough in the health and fitness categories. I had a spinal epidural injection to help with some sciatica and back pain. There was some medical gobbledygook about arthritis and bulging discs but nothing major. It laid me up for a few days but I milked it for a full week. I have only been to the gym a few times since then and the diet has been pretty loose. 

Saturday, there was a friendly CrossFit competition at one of the other gyms in order to raise some money for breast cancer awareness/research. Several members of our gym were participating and I decided to go watch and support all the athletes. 

As soon as I got there, people were asking me why I wasn't competing. I really don't remember what excuses I gave, but they were most likely lies. Truth? Confidence... I lack it. I still fear the idea of being the fat guy surrounded by all these very fit men and women. I struggle at the gym a lot already, but struggling in front of a crowd scares the crap out of me. This is nothing new and I've shared these feeling on here before, but it's getting tiresome. I did, however, have a great time watching everyone push so hard through 2 of the more famous CrossFit workouts.

Despite my fears, I wished I was out there with them. I'm just getting tired of holding myself back.  So many people end up stuck in the same rut their entire lives because they are holding themselves back. Fear of losing. Fear of winning. Fear of rejection. Fear of change. When I say "so many people...", I include myself. It's time for me to step up and face some of those fears right in the eyes. What is the worst thing that could happen? Sometimes I feel as if my life couldn't get any worse, so why the hell don't I shake it up a bit?

I joined CrossFit at the beginning of the summer. That was a MAJOR step for me. Hell, I signed a one year contract at the gym as a way to force my hand a bit if I stopped going. This has been the longest I've spent commiting myself to my health. I've had my ups and downs over the summer, but I never made that typical decision to walk away. Instead of seeing failures, I've been able to see obstacles. I thoroughly enjoy going to the gym (once the workouts are over anyway). 

It's almost 2 in the morning, so forgive the bouncing around from topic to topic. 

I want to take a moment to thank my coaches. Shane and Amanda Burge have been nothing but amazing to me. They invited me into their gym with open arms. Yes, it's their job, but they genuinely want to help everyone succeed in bettering themselves through healthy living and fitness. So many times, I have struggled with a workout and literally quit. They refused to let me. If I was getting too sore, they would make me do something else to keep me in the workout. When I felt like I couldn't pick up a barbell for the final rounds, Shane has been there to give me a countdown to just pick it up. Amanda has, for some reason, seen potential in me that I have yet to realize. Constantly uttering words of praise, she has helped me build my confidence up, a little at a time. They are an amazing duo and they are the best thing I've found in Ft. Wayne since I moved here. It's not just them though. Anne Duncan has been just as awesome. She is very intimidating with her knowledge, physique, and athleticism, but she is a total package coach. She pushes hard and motivates at the same time. I was always too scared to sign up for her classes until she was filling in for someone. Now, I love going in when she's coaching. Every member that I've had the opportunity to workout with has been phenomenal, as well. No one has an ill thing to say. We all have different backgrounds and goals, but we're all heading in the same direction together. The past few months with all of them have really impacted my life in a great way. I honestly love my new CrossFit family. I look forward to my future there. 

(Where the hell did a that come from?  I do tend to go off on tangents on here when something pops into my head as I type.)

I really just wanted to get on here go say that I'm back at it on the blog and that I've decided to do a CrossFit competition in the near future thanks to a few people at the gym. I guess I'll end with that. 

Soon...

I think I'm still here. I'll be posting again soon. 

Kicked in the teeth

Last weekend marked the third year in a row that I completely failed to follow through on one of my biggest life goals. The US Air Force held it's annual marathon / half marathon / 10k / and 5k last weekend in my hometown of Dayton. It's a big event that I've sworn repeatedly to compete in via the half marathon. This year seemed like it was going to be my year. This was supposed to be my crowning moment! So what happened?  Did I fight with injuries during training? What training? Did I fall short of a speed goal to make sure I could even finish it in the allotted time? I have no clue there... So... What the fuck happened?!?!?

Not a damned thing

Literally. I treated this as if it were really never going to happen. A pipe dream. I treated it the same way I treat every obstacle in my life... By ignoring it.

"Ignorance is bliss", right?  

My ignorance was staring me right in the face this morning though. Today was the Fort 4 Fitness half marathon here in Ft. Wayne. The route goes right in front of my house, so we decided to make up some fun signs and take the kids out to watch and cheer. 

It was a great time watching all these people run through my neighborhood ad everyone shouted motivational chants and gestures. Of course, I had the regret of not being one of them, but I think that's to be expected. I'm sure I was far from being the only one around with thoughts of, "I wish I could do that." You know what really drove the nail in for me though? This guy:

There he was, confined to a wheelchair. I can only assume that he has little use of his legs, but there he was speeding by my house in a race of thousands of people. I was impressed, to say the least. The craziest thing was the fact that he was so far ahead of most people. 

I had to take a step back for a moment...

What is my fucking excuse???

Seriously. What is it? 

Is it just something I can't do? Bullshit. Of course not! I've been stuck in this loop of excuses for so long that I have them prepared ahead of time for when I fail. I knew I was going to turn my life around this year. I knew I was going to lose a lot of weight over the summer and run a half marathon. But at the same time, I knew I was full of shit. It's that "full of shit" part that I can't seem to unload every time I start something. 

What am I going to do about this?  Usually I can talk it out in my head enough to make me temporarily believe that "last time" really was the "last time."  That has not proven to serve me well though. 

I try to share my thoughts here as honestly and openly as possible. It's not that I'm looking for people to pity me or support me or whatever people think when they read it. It honestly has been something for just me. I like to think that people read it and get something from it, but if not... Eh, I'll live.

But putting my thoughts to paper hasn't been quite as therapeutic as I had hoped. I think I need to use it more as a tool for collecting advice and help from others. I try to get motivation from within after each post. It just isn't working. I realize that I need help. I have no idea where to start though. 

This "journey" of mine to lose weight and get healthy is falling apart right before my eyes and I have no clue how to stop it! I'm reaching out to you, now, for help. I'm not sure what kind of help though. You tell me!

I'm done trying to psych myself up with motivational quotes and speeches. I need something tangible and sustainable. I can't keep putting on this fake smile and pretend that I'm doing ok. It's been a summer full of great high moments but they all feel like a complete waste if I can't finish what I started. 

I'm pretty sure this will be my last post on here until something in me changes for the better permanently. I'll still be around for those of you that actually know me. For everyone else, I want to say that I appreciate some of the nice comments you've left me. I know some of you have followed me from the beginning a few months back and have been hoping to see how it would play out. I'm not giving up... I'm just taking a break from pretending to be this guy that is trying to better himself. I want to be that guy, but wanting isn't enough anymore...

Did I say "rut"? I meant the Mariana Treanch

I'm not really too sure what I want to write about in here, but I know I need to just write something.  It's been a few weeks since I've posted anything.  That's probably because I've had nothing I wanted to share.  I don't like to share the negative feelings I get.  I thought that my blog would be a great outlet for me to express my feelings, good and bad alike, with others so that I may hold myself accountable for my actions... Or lack thereof.

A few months back, I (re)created this page with the full intention of writing in it at least once or twice a week.  I was doing pretty well at first.  I was finding a lot of motivation to eat healthy and exercise regularly and I wanted to share/brag about it.  I was losing weight and for the first time ever I felt like it was finally my time to bust down some of these walls that I've built around me, keeping me from reaching some of my potential.  I joined a CrossFit gym, started eating clean, and ditched all my junk food.

Complacency set in though.  I started getting lazy again with the diet.  "I worked out hard today.  I deserve a little treat."  That's always how it starts: trade-offs.  Eventually, the complacency creeps into the trade-offs, too.  Soon, I was right back to where I started.  The one place I swore I'd never be again...  Sure, I go to the gym a few times a week, but I'm not fueling my body with clean and healthy foods.  My workouts are just enough to keep me from gaining weight at this point. 

Some of you know how this can make a person feel.  Like a complete failure, of course.  Now I know what people will say.  "You're not a failure!  Get back on track.  You can do it!"  As true as these statements are, it doesn't change the way my brain is looking at it.  I started this journey with the resolution that no matter how many times or how hard I fell, I would just get back up and push forward.  It's one thing to say something, but something completely different to mean it wholeheartedly. 

So now I'm just sitting here rambling, feeling sorry for myself.  I feel like if I put it to paper (or e-paper) I can kick start my motor.  This car is rolling downhill and all I need to do is pop the clutch to get it going and turn around.  I'm putting this message into the ether of the internet so that others can see that there are people out there going through the same things they are.  So many people are struggling to keep their motors running or are just cruising on fumes.  Maybe that's where I'm really at.  On fumes.

Where does that leave me?  I know I can pick things up and get back on track.  I know it.  Now I just have to believe it. 

I want to leave everyone with a video I came across this morning that started me on this babbling post in the first place.  This girl came across the very same video that started me down the weight loss journey and decided to make her own version of it.  Maybe in a year from now I'll be able to post my own video.  I promise to set it to some Coldplay or some other music to hit people right in the feels.

Remember Me?

Remember this guy?  It is indeed myself from about 2 months ago.  I had just finished the most physically draining challenge of my life and I felt like I could stop a speeding train with a mere thought.  It was just a few days later that I jumped head first into CrossFit.  I started going 2 days a week because I felt too sore to go any more, but as the soreness got more bearable I didn't ramp up my activity.  I fell into that rut I posted about a few weeks ago and haven't been able to climb out.  Last week I was hit with a migraine after the Monday morning WOD and have been in a slow recovery ever since.  I've been physically unable to workout and it's showing on the scale.  I've gained a little weight and it's making me a little anxious to get back at it.  The fact that my diet hasn't been up to par with my expectations doesn't help either.

I'm going to try to make it in to the gym tonight for my return workout.  I'd like to believe that I'm doing a "hard reset" and jump starting my body back into high gear.  I've pointed out a few times that I knew ahead of time that I'd have failure moments but knew I could move past them.  Honestly?  I'm at that point right now and looking for a way to forgive myself for falling.  It's harder than usual this time.  I genuinely felt like this was my moment.  This was the time I was going to really turn things around.  I held myself to a higher standard, and now that I'm regressing, I've got a longer fall.

I'm writing this blog as a sort of parachute though.  The accountability I've built with it is going to be my key to success.  By letting others know what is going on inside my head, I can try to force myself to keep going through the fear of disappointing others.  It may be just a bandaid but I think it'll be enough to keep me from hemorrhaging out and completely failing.  And it's not going to be enough to just keep going forward.  I need to advance past the idea of doing "just enough".  Yea, my goal is to lose a bunch of weight, but that truly isn't enough.  I want to set an example to others.  I want my kids to be able to say more than, "My daddy used to be fat, but now he's not."  I want there to be a fucking story behind it!  I want that story to be unique from all the other weight loss stories.  "I watched what I ate and exercised regularly and eventually lost weight...."  Blah blah blah blah...  It's the same story 90% of the time, but I feel like I have more to offer than that.

So now that I've got that off my chest, I want to re-evaluate and adjust and add a few goals:

Goal weight:  < 200lbs
Goal deadline: July 1st, 2014
Secondary Goals:
     1: 2014 Memorial Day Murph Rx'd
     2: Do a muscle up before Murph
     3. Fort4Fitness 1/2 marathon - Sept. 2013
     4. GoRuck Challenge - Oct. 2013
     5. I have a biggie here, so I may hang on to it for a bit before I decide to share it.

So if you see me out and about, feel free to ask how my workout plan and weight loss is going.  I want your help to keep me in check and focused on these goals.  Don't be afraid to give me a little crap if you think I'm slacking.  I'll try not to get butt hurt over it.  I have a few other things in my life to work out other than my physical health, but that's something for another blog maybe.  Other than that, I'm done here.

 I'm also going to try to update this blog a little more often than I have been.

In a Rut

The title says it all. The scale does too. I fell off the paleo bandwagon a little while back and have no desire to get back on. That is actually not my issue. I just don't like it. I liked what I was doing before the paleo challenge. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables, lean meats, fish, healthy fats, and whole grains. I love my grains and my cheese, both of which are no-nos in the paleo universe. I know my CrossFit coaches are gonna be mad but it's just not for me. I've also come across a few studies that claim that the paleo lifestyle could even be harmful for people with blood pressure and cholesterol problems like me. Now I just have to get back on the path I was on before, but lately I've been having a few "cheat days" that have strung themselves together. The scale doesn't lie. I screwed up...

So now I'm trying to get that original mindset that put me on the weight loss journey to begin with. I need to ramp up my workouts from twice a week to 3 times a week, as well. I got complacent with my diet when I started actually doing the CrossFit WODs. I treated it as a "one-or-the-other" situation: diet OR exercise. This lapse of judgement has proved costly. I'm gaining weight back. I need that double whammy I'd get from working out AND eating right. I already knew that before I started but simply got lazy. 

Consider this my public apology to myself. It's times like this that are the reason I promised not to give up when I screw up. Normally I'd throw all the progress I've made down the drain and go back to my old ways. I used to see things like this as a wall rather than a hurdle. I tripped over the hurdle but the race goes on. 

My Bearded Crutch

I had a small epiphany this evening. I don't know exactly how it came to me, but I don't like my beard as much as I thought I did. What the hell does this have to do with anything?  A lot actually. 

I've had a horrible self image since I was a kid. I've always been made fun of for being a nerd or being fat. I can handle the nerd side of things but not being called fat. I did what every other fat kid would do. I shoved those feelings down deep with more food and self loathing. 

As an adult, the taunting stopped as my peers matured past name calling, but the feelings never stopped building up inside. One summer, I decided to grow a beard for no particular reason and discovered I had some freakish beard growing genetics. People eventually started coming up to me in public just to tell me how awesome the beard was. I loved the attention so much that I always kept a beard, although sometimes short, after that. 

But beards are a pain in the ass. They shed. The get in everything you eat or drink. They get tangled in things. At times, mine would whip me in the eyes if I drove with the windows down!  I have to groom it constantly by washing it with special shampoos, rubbing special oils in it, and brushing it out a few times a day. 

The beard has been my crutch for my self image problem. I figured that if people at least liked my beard enough, they'd overlook how big I was. It was true in some small part. Eventually I was just known as that guy with the beard and not the big guy.

Now I'm trying to change how I view myself and as that happens others will change their views too. So.... The beard had to go. Most of it anyway. I want to be able to see past the furball on my face and see the active changes in me. I've lost 35+ pounds but I'm still gonna be that big guy with the beard unless I remove it from the equation. 

Yes, I'll probably go back to being recognized for my size rather than my facial hair again, but I'm ok with that. I'd rather people noticed my size and comment on how much smaller I am than I used to be. This weight loss is only going to happen once and I want to be known for it... Not my beard. 

Keeping Momentum

In my past weight loss experiences, I've had a lot of trouble keeping momentum.  I'd work really hard on eating right and exercising, but then I'd hit that first plateau.  The scale would all of a sudden just freeze right where it was at for at least a week.  I would inevitably start feeling like a failure and just give up.  I'd feel like crap again, all while the weight I lost slowly crept back on to my body.  I think this is the case for a lot of people, especially those that are considered (morbidly) obese like me.  You spend your whole life being the fat guy/girl, and when you finally get the balls to do something about it...  CRASH! 

I've learned the hard way, many times in fact, that if you don't plan ahead and allow yourself those days or weeks that seem like nothing is happening, you will fail.  Every. Single. Time.  You MUST cut yourself a little slack and prepare for the plateaus (plural).  You can't escape this fact.  When you're as big as I am though, and you finally take those steps into bettering yourself, you can get a little bit of tunnel vision.  You only see the here and now and the very short term future.  "What will the scale say tomorrow?  What about the next day?"  We think in terms of immediate results because we've been this way for so long that we get too eager to see the changes in our bodies. 

We're told that all you have to do is eat healthier and get a little exercise and then everything will be ok.  You'll lose weight.  Easy peasy, right?  They fail to tell you about the challenges you'll face in the process.  The fights with willpower that can come late at night, when all you can think about is eating something sweet.  The struggles with breathing as you try to take that jog through the park. Most importantly, the challenge of staying on this "easy peasy" path for the rest of your life, when all you've ever known is a sedentary lifestyle.

I've been on this little journey since April 1st and have hit a few plateaus and road bumps along the way.  I've sneaked my way through a McDonald's drive-thru a few time to scarf down something that would satisfy a craving.  I've sat around the house many days, knowing full well that I should be out taking a run or doing a workout at the gym.  I've made plenty of excuses for stuff like this my whole life!  I'm a damn professional at it.  But even after I've done something to screw up my diet or skipped out on my exercise, I've maintained the promise I made to myself at the beginning of this trek:

"I WILL fuck up!  I WILL cheat!  I WILL have plateaus or even weight gains!  This is OK!  I WILL NOT give up because of it!"

It's been a simple mantra that has somehow changed my life so much in the past couple months.  I hold no copyright to it, so please feel free to adopt it as your own.

I've been on a small plateau for a little over a week or two.  My weight went up 4-6 pounds throughout the week, and it got me a little depressed.  I didn't let it derail me though.  Want to see proof?

This is from this morning.  Down more than 3 pounds from before my plateau!

When you feel like a failure...  When you start thinking that you just can't do it...  Do it anyway!  You will prevail over this obstacle.  It's not just positive thinking.  It's a fact!  I am proof of it.

On a side note: 
With the help of one of my coaches and a few resistance bands, I did my first pullup today.  Yea, I know...  I'm pretty awesome...  Thanks for noticing.

Setting a few goals.

I think it's about time for me to set some short and long term goals. I mean, I have some obvious ones already, like losing 123 pounds. I need to break that down into sections and time frames, as well as adding a few more. 

Starting Weight: 322 lbs. (April 1st)

Current Weight: 288 lbs. (-34 lbs.)

Goal Weight: 199 lbs. (-123 lbs.)

Now the hard part is breaking that down into manageable and obtainable chunks. I lost my first 25 pounds in about 4 weeks. That's pretty fast but not sustainable. There's no way I can continue losing 25 lbs. a month without starving to death. So what's a reasonable amount?  I'm going to set my first deadline to Sept. 1st. I'd like to see myself down to 250 by then. I know, I know... 38 lbs in 2.5 months isn't going to be easy. Hell, that's an understatement. It's going to be very hard! That's the point though, isn't it?  You have to set goals to the upper limit of your capabilities. Otherwise, you're cheating yourself out of your potential. 

Through healthy diet and my crossfit along with my running, I most certainly can do it. I have an awesome support system here at home with my girlfriend and from my CrossFit family, as well as my friends and family that are scattered across the country (and a few across the world!). 

Weight isn't the only metric to set a goal by. I'm going to be setting several CrossFit goals in the near future as I learn the ropes. I don't know where I stand on a lot of things in the gym yet, so it would be counterproductive to set goals right now. 

Sept. 28th is the Fort 4 Fitness marathon. I'm registering for the 1/2 marathon. My goal is going to be just to finish at this point. As time gets closer, I can try to gauge my running times and possibly set a finish time goal as well. 

Long term goals are next. First and foremost is my total weight loss goal of 123 lbs. I think July 1st of 2014 is a good date. Why? I don't know. Just roll with it for me. 

I have a very clear crossfit goal on this one. Memorial Day next year... Memorial Day Murph. I'm going to do the whole thing as prescribed. No modifications. Weight vest included. That's a done deal. I'm not even going to concern myself with a time... Just finish it!

Along the way I'll set more goals as necessary. I'll also set some rewards for reaching them. New clothes will be the most satisfying thing I can think of for each weight loss goal. 

That's all I have for now. Have any goal ideas for me? Leave them in the comments! 

1st official WOD

I was finally able to pull the trigger and pay for my membership to my CrossFit gym 2 weeks ago. The problem was that the 2 week on ramp or "Foundations" classes fell right on a week that I was going to be out of town. Thankfully, my coaches squeezed me in a few extra days with more time to learn the different movements I would need to master. Basically, we fit a 2 week schedule into 1 week. 

We came back home on Friday night and would have loved go do the Saturday WOD, but all the coaches were out of town volunteering at the Central East CrossFit Regionals for the weekend. The WOD would have to wait, but only for a couple days. 

Tonight was my first "official" WOD. I had done a few 1/2 WODs, including Murph, in the last few weeks, but they were like exhibition matches. Yea the work is there, but they just seemed like just practice. I don't mean they weren't difficult or even brutal, because they were, but something made me feel like they just didn't count. Like a boxer or mma fighter, exhibition matches don't count on their record. Same thing for me. 

We warmed up with some stretches and moved into some back squat work. I wasn't there last week when everyone worked on finding their maximum back squat weight, so that's what I did. There were a few of us that needed to do that and space was limited, so we partnered up a bit and shared a barbell. We each took turns, slowly adding more weight after each rep. When we found a weight that we could only do 1 squat with, we knew it was our maximum. 

By the time we finished up, it was time to start the daily WOD. Today it was overhead squats and lateral burpees. It would be 10 rounds of 11 reps total. We'd do 10 squats and 1 burpee. 9 squats and 2 burpees. 8 squats and 3 burpees.......and finish with 1 squat and 10 burpees. I struggled with the overhead squats at first because my legs were already mushy from the back squats. 10 reps was tough as hell! Luckily, the next round I only had to do 9. The burpees were easy in the beginning. I only had to do 1 in the first round, 2 in the second, 3 in the third, etc. But burpees are the bane of most CrossFitters. As the rounds got easier with few squats, they got exponentially harder with the burpees. By the 6th round I wanted to quit so bad!  

For a few seconds, while I was catching my breath and wiping the stinging sweat from my eyes, I actually considered it. I was done. I am sooo out of shape compared to the athletes in my gym. I must have been thinking out loud though, because out of no where a few of the guys working out near me started calling out my name. "You got this Rick!"  "Almost there man!"  Once again, that sense of community that made me fall in love with this sport slapped me back from the ether and into the task at hand. All that sense of doubt washed away and left no trace. I may finish last, but damn it, I'll finish strong. 

And I did. And not even last... But to be fair, last place was a very fit and very pregnant regular.

If any of the folks from CrossFit Praus are reading this, I want to say thank you. Every single person I've had the chance to talk to, either in person or even online, has been so friendly and supportive and welcoming. I am here to stay for a long time. You guys are awesome!  

On a side note: week one of our paleo challenge went very well. Even while in a hotel all week, we found ways to eat fresh fruits and veggies, lean meats, and healthy fats, while avoiding grains, dairy, and sugar. I know I've lost several pounds as a result. More on this as the challenge continues. 

30 pounds down in this pic!!!

Paleo Challenge

I've been trying to eat healthy for about 2 months, and it's paid off so far.  I'm down 28 pounds and I am fitting into clothes a little better.  I've been doing what everyone says I should.  Counting calories, logging everything, avoiding fatty foods, etc...  My gym, however, has issued a challenge to its members (and non-members too).  Can you eat like a caveman?


It's called the Paleo diet.  I had never heard of it until about a year ago when my good friend joined a CrossFit gym and did this same challenge.  It's the simplest of simple when it comes to how to eat.  "Paleo" refers to paleolithic, as in cavemen.  Back in the good ol' days when neanderthals ruled the land, there were only a few sources of food: anything they could hunt, or anything they could pluck from a tree/shrub/root.  That's pretty much it.  Supposedly, the human digestion system hasn't truly evolved enough to process all the crap we eat today.  Everything is either pre-packaged with tons of chemicals, or covered in pesticides, or injected with hormones.  You see where I'm going with this?

Our challenge is to mimic the caveman diet, with a few modern updates such as fire and cooking.  This means no dairy, no grains whatsoever, no sugar except what is naturally in fruits and vegetables, no legumes or starchy foods, and no alcohol.  This may sound pretty extreme and hard to do, and it is, but once you get going with it, you realize how much simpler it really is.  We started in our house officially on Saturday, while the challenge started on Sunday.  We had been eating probably 80% paleo already but hadn't cut out the grains or dairy completely.  What can I say?  I love my cheeses.  We are now getting our calories from eating a lot of lean, protein filled meats, all the vegetables we can, healthy fats from olive or coconut oil and avocados and nuts, and some fruits and berries.  That's it.  Nothing else necessary.  We are drinking water exclusively, although coffee and tea is ok, and we are trying to pick the freshest possible options.  Best part of the paleo diet?  Bacon!  Bacon has been rising in popularity in the past year or 2, and why wouldn't it?  It's the best tasting food in the whole damn world!  I dare you to disagree...  Seriously...  I DARE you!



The goal is to go 8 weeks and measure the changes in our body.  Sometimes that can be hard to quantify, so we all did a baseline workout at the start of the challenge.  In 8 weeks, we will redo the same workout and compare our times.  We also took a few body measurements and weighed in.  Just in case anyone was wondering, I weighed in at 303 but I'm pretty sure I was a little less on my scale at home.  No matter!  I have my starting point set and 8 weeks from now, I'm going to demolish my competition!  I mean that in the friendliest, most sportsmanlike manner possible.  I weighed in this morning at 294 and I believe it!

I have a very good feeling that Maria and I will be making this a permanent change.  We may not be 100% strict, but it'll be close.  We are out of town all week and holed up in a hotel, so we have to be extra careful with the diet.  It's just too easy to say "screw it" and head out somewhere to eat rather than staying in and taking the time to prepare something healthy and proper.  We are lucky enough to have a small kitchenette in our room and access to a few gas grills.  I also have a pool and weight room I can get my exercise in.  I still feel like this is a trial by fire though.  If we can pull it off in a hotel for a week, we can do it forever at home.

I've been thinking of creating a video blog.  I have no idea what I'd talk about yet, so I'm open to any suggestions. 

Foundations / On-Ramp has begun!

Last night I went through my first Foundations class at CrossFit Praus. My trainers are already setting aside a little extra time for me this week to squeeze all of the classes and movements into 1 week instead of 2 to accommodate the fact that I will not be in town next week.  There were 4 other people starting the classes this week as well.  As the 5 of us started warming up and meeting each other, the WOD was posted on the wall.  I was not going to be happy at all with this one...  1/2 Cindy...  Cindy is basically the same thing as the Murph we did on Memorial day, minus the running.  That was just one day ago, though, and my quads were still screaming at me.  I felt almost like I had offended the trainers somehow and was being punished.  There was now way I was going to be able to do this.  I can't sit down on the toilet without help, let alone repeat a huge chunk of the workout that put me in this misery to begin with!

We warmed up a bit and went through some movements.  Soon, we got into some of the movements I had learned in previous classes, therefore, I was pulled aside to squeeze in a few other new moves instead.  We covered the basic squats (which were miserable even with a piece of pvc and no weight) and box jumps.  We still had a few minutes before the WOD was starting so we covered some kettlebell moves.  Thankfully, my trainer had also done Murph the day before and was feeling my pain quite literally.  Without saying anything, she walked over to the board where the WOD was written and wrote out a second WOD just for me.  I could have cried tears of joy.  I would be doing kettlebell work instead.  Long story short, I did my new WOD in under the 10 minute time limit and made a very wet sweat angel right in the middle of the floor.

Today I went back in to work on a few more moves that I would have missed next week.  They were there waiting for me half an hour before the next class started.  By the time the 4:30 class was ready to begin, we were done and I was invited to stay for the WOD.  I had to pass on that one.  My legs need a little more recovery time.  I'll be back tomorrow night, though, and probably Friday too.

I owe Shane and Amanda Burge a huge thank you for helping me out so much with taking these first steps.  I appreciate every little bit of extra time you've each taken to make this a reality for me.

Memorial Day Murph!

How was everyone's Memorial Day?  Did you have a nice BBQ and a few beers with friends and family?  I sure as heck hope so!  That's what today is all about isn't it?  :::insert dramatic pause here:::  A lot of people seem to forget what Memorial Day really is all about.  It's not about hot dogs and hamburgers.  That's just how we celebrate it.  Memorial Day is a day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Services.  They are the ones we are meant to be honoring when you're raising your beer glasses up to your friends and family in your backyard cookout.  It's a wonderful way to celebrate it, but we seem to lose focus of why we do it in the first place.  We forget to give thanks to those men and women that gave their lives defending the freedoms we take for granted. Freedoms like backyard barbecues...  I'm not gonna get all preachy on you over it, but please try to honor those people that sacrificed everything so that we may all enjoy these freedoms every day.

One of these brave people was Lt. Michael Murphy.  On June 28, 2005 he knowingly and willingly hiked into an open clearing during an intense firefight between his 4 man team and upwards of 200 Taliban forces in order to establish radio communications to call for reinforcements.  Unfortunately, by the time they made it, 3 of the 4 men in the team were killed in action, including Lt. Murphy himself.  They didn't go down without a fight, though.  Some estimate that 70% of the Taliban were killed as well.  As a result of Lt. Murphy's heroic and selfless actions, he was awarded the Medal of Honor posthumously.

A few years later, CrossFitters began honoring Lt. Murphy in their own way.  By naming a WOD after him and his favorite workout routine.  Simply called "Murph", it is nothing short of brutal!  Every Memorial Day, CrossFit boxes around the country pay their respects by holding Murph WODs in his honor.  It's kind of a big deal...  Let me just break down what the Murph entails.  First, you take a mile run.  No big deal I suppose, this could be pretty easy.  Then you are slammed in the gut with the core of the workout.  100 pullups...  (I can't even do 1)  200 pushups...  And 300 squats...  Apparently, Murphy was also a mad man to claim this as his favorite workout!  Oh wait, I almost forgot the best part.  After you've done all that work, and your shoulders, arms, and legs are screaming for you to put them out of their misery, you have another mile run to finish it off.  Did I mention the weight vest?  Oh yea, if you have one of those, you're supposed to wear that too.  Holy crap!


I'm getting a little side tracked here.  Today, at CrossFit Praus, we paid our respects in a series of 3 Murph heats.  They only scheduled 2 heats, but so many people showed up that there was no choice but to add a third.  I knew there was no way I could do it, so I was just going to support everyone else and enjoy the show.  A few days ago, though, a couple people started asking me if I was going to do it.  After I told them no, they persuaded me to change my mind and just give it a try.  I got there this morning a few minutes into the first heat and began talking to a few of the people warming up.  What the hell was I about to do?!?!?  Nearly everyone in the place is chiseled and in perfect shape.  Have you seen me?  I'm nearly 300 pounds and I break a sweat flipping through the tv channels.  The butterflies started to hit me pretty bad.  One of the girls next to me started suggesting that I do a 1/2 Murph (exactly what it sounds like).  I was very quick to agree until Amanda, the trainer/coach/owner caught wind of my plan and gave me a stare that could stop a bear dead in its tracks.  Fine!  I'll do a full Murph.

 

 

As my heat was about to begin, we lined up outside as it began to drizzle.  It was a bit windy and cold too, and I was wishing I had a hoodie.  That was going to change fast though.  As the clock started, we bolted from the starting line.  It wasn't long before I began to see just how bad of shape I was in compared to all these other athletes.  I had to do a run/walk/run/walk the whole mile while everyone else was able to run the entire thing nonstop.  It didn't matter though.  I was there.  I was giving my true best effort.  I finished my mile long after everyone else, but when I looked at the clock I saw that I had actually set a new mile record for myself by nearly 2 minutes!  It was time to get down to business.

Most people like to break the pullups, pushups, and squats into sets rather than doing all of them in a row.  This was to be my strategy as well.  I would do 20 sets of 5,10,15 respectively for a total of 100, 200, and 300.  My first real problem was the fact that I have never done a pullup in my life.  The trainers suggested I do ring rows instead and set up a pair of rings for me.  I put my feet out and leaned back on the rings and pulled myself up for 5 reps.  That wasn't too awful so I jumped right down to do my 10 pushups.  Pushups aren't my strong suit.  I'm very heave and not very strong, but I knocked them out fairly quickly.  Squats, on the other hand, I can do.  15 done and it was time to move on to set number 2.  The fatigue set in pretty quickly as I finished each set, trying to get to 20 total.  Once I got through my 6th set I hit the wall.  I knew I was done.  There was no way in hell I was going to get 14 more of these ball busting sets out.  The time I was taking between each exercise grew longer and longer.  A few of the people that had stuck around after finishing the 1st heat gathered around me.  I was not very comfortable with that at all.  I have serious anxieties about how I appear to others.  Not just physically.  I was afraid of the embarrassment that was sure to come when I gave up.  I was on the edge of complete failure, and all these people decided to come watch the show.  But something weird happened.  Just moments after my brain said that I was done, the rest of me kept going.  These people weren't here to watch me fail.  They were here to make me succeed. Rather than just watching me struggle, they began to do the movements with me.  They rooted me on after every pullup, pushup, and squat.  They were the ones refusing to quit, and I just followed suit.  I made a tough decision right there that I was going to at least finish the 1/2 Murph.  I was 2 sets away and every time I got on the ground to do a pushup, they were on the ground next to me doing them too.  Every agonizing squat was mirrored by these strangers that refused to let me give up on myself.  It was the hardest thing I've ever physically done, but I made it through 10 sets and had to hobble out the back door to finish with a run.  Since I was only going to do a half at this point, I only had to run 1/2 mile.  It's only a half mile....  My new friends followed me outside and told me they weren't going anywhere without me.  My heart was so full at that very moment that I fought back a tear or two.  I wanted so badly to finish strong as appreciation for their help.  As they cheered for me to pick up my legs and start running, nothing happened.  My legs were complete jello.  They didn't hurt.  They didn't feel.... anything.  I was pretty numb and struggled to move faster than a snail's pace as we walked that last half mile together.  The entire walk, no matter how disappointed I started to feel, they were quick to nip it in the bud, reminding me that just a couple of weeks ago I wouldn't have even considered trying something like this.  I was doing more than that person sitting on their couch or grilling out in the yard.  I was actually accomplishing something that I would have never fathomed before... As we hit the halfway point and turned around to head back, I decided to give my legs another try.  I struggled to make a very slow jog.  I did this for a minute or so and had to go back to walking.  We made our way back to the parking lot and the final 100m or so.  I was determined to finish the way I started.  Running.  It was the longest 100m dash of my life, but I did it.  I finished Murph.  Well, 1/2 Murph anyway.  I staggered my way through the gym to see my girlfriend, who has done nothing but support and encourage me in ways that the people at the gym couldn't.  After a quick, sweaty hug and kiss I sprawled out on the floor and wished I was in a hot tub.

It was an amazing day.  I saw others do things they never thought possible as well.  When it was all said and done, I had something very special to take home with me:

My name on the wall...

Thank you so very much for your encouragement and support.  I see now more than ever what CrossFit really is.  It is a family and I am proud to be a part of it.  Next year I will do the full Murph and hopefully I can do my part to push others the way I was pushed today.

How do I feel?


I want to leave you with a song that I come to every time I need an extra push.  It's all in the lyrics.  Give it a listen.

It's not a diet...

Normally I find myself constantly craving things like cereal or cakey sweets, then I give into them. I'd tell myself that "I did my best" or "I'll start over tomorrow."  Neither statement was ever true. I wasn't trying my best. I was just doing the bare minimum to satisfy my idea of what a diet was. It's the bane of my existence. I have half-assed every single part of my life and eating right was no exception. And when "tomorrow" came, I slipped right back into my old habits because I felt like a complete failure. Being fat is depressing, but failing to even put forth a proper effort to change is even worse. It's part of the whole "vicious cycle" crap people talk about, but it's horribly true. I'd just repeat the diet-cheat-fail-depression, diet-cheat-fail-depression, diet-cheat-fail-depression cycle over and over until... Hell, I don't think it ever really stopped until about 7 weeks ago. When I decided, once again, to lose weight, I approached it the same way I always have. I don't know what is different this time though. I just feel different about it. I have genuine confidence in myself this time around. I've already made changes in my body and lifestyle that I never thought I could do, and the results are actually measurable. I'm down 28 pounds. I've lost about 7 inches off my body. I've been running further than I ever had in the past. I even had the courage to try something that a few people told me I physically could not do when I chose to start CrossFit. That alone has been a huge drive for me. 

I still have those cravings for junk, and I'll be the first to admit that I've succumbed to them on multiple occasions. But now that I'm eating the right foods for my body, I notice the horrible effects that eating crap can do to me. One little cheat has put me in the bathroom a few times already. Doctors call that bio-feedback... I guess it's been a good deterrent that helps keep me on the healthier path. 

I have zero idea who actually takes the time to read this blog, but hopefully someone that is in the same hole as me can see that they aren't alone in this. I am in no way unique in how I feel about changing my life around. We all feel it in one way or another. I've been lucky enough to have a few great support people around me and I've even sought support from strangers online. This blog is just an extension of that support. I feel that if I put it all out there for my friends, family, and total strangers to see, then I'll have some sort of obligation to succeed. I will not fail this time. No way in hell. 

CrossFit: Week 2 - Day 2

Just another really quick update today.  I really really really didn't want to go to do my weekly (for now) CrossFit session this morning.  I was kinda lazy all week after my last class and had several slips in my diet.  I felt like I hadn't treated my body well enough to be ready for another brutal Saturday morning WOD.  I sent the owners of the gym a message last night instructing them to TELL me that I HAD to be there, to which they happily obliged.  It was too late to back out after that.  I had made a commitment to someone to do something, therefore I had to do it.  It's always been very easy for me to break a commitment to myself, so this was a way to bypass that problem.  I woke up this morning, ate a small cup of oatmeal (I know it's not Paleo, but I'm working on it), and headed out.  I got there a few minutes early and headed inside to see if the WOD was posted on the whiteboard.  Nope.  It was going to be a surprise.  We had an interesting warm up.  We played musical medicine balls while doing bear crawls.  I made it about halfway through that before I was bounced out and had to do burpees.  Then came the WOD.  We did a "Deck of Cards" workout.  Each suit represented a move or exercise; push presses, kettle bell swings, mason twists, and a 100/200 meter run.  We worked in pairs.  I met a cool guy from northern Michigan that was just visiting his sister and was talked into checking it out with her.  I was very happy to be paired up with another newbie.  After a brief instruction on the techniques we needed to do this WOD we began.  30 minute time limit...  My partner, Jeff, and I would take turns drawing from a deck of cards.  Whatever card you drew, you had to do that many reps with the corresponding exercise for that suit.  If I drew a 7 of spades, I had to do 7 push presses.  There was a twist though.  There were still 2 jokers in the deck.  If you drew one, you both had to do 15 burpees.  We started off pretty strong, blowing through the first 5 or 6 cards pretty quickly.  Joker...  DAMN IT!  Thankfully, we hit that one early enough that we weren't too exhausted to do them.  I'm not gonna lie though.  I struggled after 8 or so, but after I finished, we pressed on.  Back and forth, we drew cards.  For some reason, I think the deck might have been stacked.  I kept drawing 10s and face cards in the suit of spades, which was push presses.  after my 3rd time, I was having a really hard time getting that bar over my head.  Thankfully, several people were there rooting me on and my partner even stepped in once to finish my reps for me.  I never failed a rep once I started it.  I drew a few back-to-back runs, too, and fought to keep my breath.  I almost tossed up that oatmeal at one point but managed to keep it down.  Several people were finishing out there deck and writing their times on the whiteboard.  As the 30 minute mark came, we still had about 10 cards left (2 away from the other joker).  We didn't finish, but I'll be damned if I didn't try!  It was another awesome experience, and it helped solidify my decision to join ASAP.  People remembered my name from last week and congratulated me and encouraged me throughout the day, and I am very grateful for the extra support.  During my post-workout shower I could barely raise my arms above my head!  I have a feeling that tomorrow will be pretty rough but it's worth it.

Oh, by the way, I'm down 5 more pounds!

Slip and Slide

I feel stalled. I've been eating right for over a month and exercising a few times a week, but I'm not losing any weight. This is the point where I normally would say, "We'll, I tried. Better luck next time." Looking back, though, the things I "normally" do clearly don't work. That's half the reason I even decided to post on the blog today. Sometimes I need to remind myself of why I'm even doing this. Why am I bothering to better myself?  Why do I need to lose weight?  You know what the truth to those questions are?  Other than the obvious, it's because for the first time in my life, I need to finish what I've started. I've let myself and the people I care about down more times than I care to remember. So despite the feeling that I'm falling off the proverbial wagon, I'm just checking in to say that I am continuing to push on. I've got a long way to go and lots of things to accomplish along the way. 

CrossFit Day 1: Part 2

I knew I was gonna be sore, but... WOW!  The stairs are my worst enemy right now. I popped an Aleve, and I'm off to bed. 

I'm glad this will finally find some use. 

HO! LY! CRAP! CrossFit: Day 1

Today was a big day for me.  I had been tossing around the idea of trying out CrossFit as a way to lose weight and get into shape.  I have friends that swear by it and others that tell me that I needed to lose weight first to avoid a cardiac episode.  After mulling it over for the past year, and researching the local CrossFit gyms, I decided to jump into the deep end at Crossfit Praus here in Ft. Wayne this morning for their free guest day.  I've been in contact with the owners/trainers for the past week or so, and with their added encouragement and reassurance that I wouldn't keel over, I committed myself to be there.  Luckily, I didn't have to go alone.  Maria, my girlfriend, was more than happy to go check it out with me and go through the day's workout.

We got there at about 8:45am to a nearly empty parking lot in front of an industrial style metal building.  Within 5 minutes, there were a dozen other cars joining us.  We stepped inside to the lobby and met Shane and Amanda Burge, the owners and our trainers for the day.  I was pretty intimidated right off the bat.  As I looked around, I saw a lot of very fit men and women who have obviously been doing this for a while.  I was, by far, the heaviest person in the gym (aka. box).  I had butterflies before I got there and now there were getting worse.  I signed my injury/death waiver and headed into the gym.  It was a wide open room, lined with boxes, pull up bars, rings hanging from the ceiling, barbells, and bumper plates.  I was so far out of my element.  I had no clue what I was going to be put through and I was getting really nervous.  As everyone filed into the gym, the trainers headed to the center and everyone circled around.  There were probably about 25 people in there, and after the introductions, I found out that a lot of these people were here for their first time as well.  The nerves began to calm.

We started with some stretches and a 400m run outside.  Afterwards, we learned a few of the fundamental motions and exercises that we would be doing today.  Air squats, burpees, push ups, and dead lifts.  We all practiced these moves for a few minutes before the WOD (workout of the day) was introduced to us and explained.  We were working with partners on this one, so I obviously paired up with Maria.  We were about to do 3 rounds of some serious intensity as partners.

3 Rounds (21/15/9 reps respectively) For Time - 20:00 Limit

• Burpees
• Squats
• Push ups
• Dead lifts 
• 200m run

As soon as I began the run at the end of the first round, my legs were gelatinous.  I ran about half the distance and had to walk a lot of the way back.  I kept marching on though.  Round 2 seemed a little bit easier, due to the fact that it was fewer reps. We managed to finish it and get through the run.  When we got back into the gym for round 3, I noticed that a majority of the other people were already putting away their equipment.  There were only 5 minutes left to go and I was drained.  I walked over to the area I was using for our workout and slowly started round 3.  Maria was struggling right along with me, but had to stop to take care of her son, who was with us in the childcare area.  I sludged through it on my own.  I now realized that we were the only ones still going.  As a fat guy with low self esteem, I have issues with people staring at me.  This was about to become one of my worst fears.  Everyone else had started watching me and Maria, as she returned, try and finish the WOD.  I started to try blocking out the staring eyes, but that wasn't going to happen.  They weren't going to let that happen.  One of the biggest draws of CrossFit is the sense of community and camaraderie each gym, trainer, and member are known for oozing out.  These people weren't staring at me at all.  They had all gathered around to encourage us and root us on.  I had to drop that wall I had built as a defense mechanism.  I felt like I was a part of this "family" and I had only been there for less than an hour.  I pushed as hard as I thought was possible for me.  I dropped that last dead lift to the mat and made a dash to the back door for my final 200m run.  Maria had to stop again to help out her son, so I was completely alone.  It was a very emotional moment for me as I made the final turn back into the parking lot.  I looked to the finish, about 50m away.  Nearly the entire gym had ventured out to watch me try to finish.  Everyone was shouting and cheering me on, but my legs were liquid.  I heard someone yell out, "15 seconds!"  There was no way I could make it to the finish in 15 seconds.  I knew I had failed in front of all these people, despite their very vocal encouragement, but I sprinted the last few meters as hard as I could into a crowd of high fives and pats on the back.  I looked up at the timer...  20:00...

I couldn't decide whether to puke, collapse, or cry.  Thankfully, I did none of these things.  I walked over to a box and leaned over for a minute to try to catch my breath.  We weren't done, apparently.  We still had to do 50 v-ups (similar to an ab crunch) as fast as possible.  We were struggling pretty bad on this one.  Less than a minute into it, I heard someone shout out, "Time!", signaling that he had already finished.  Shortly after, Maria was finished, too.  Nearly 3 minutes later, I was done.  That sucked... a lot!  But Maria and I had finished the meat and potatoes of the workout and finished the cool down stretches without incident. 
 
Was this the most intense workout I've ever done?  Without a doubt.  Did it suck?  Yup!  Did I enjoy it?  Absolutely.  I will be back next weekend and soon enough, I'll join as a full fledged member.

I've heard a lot of people talk about the CrossFit kool-aid.  It's almost cult-like, but in a very positive way.  Pass me a big glass, I'm thirsty for more...

Small Milestones

Last summer, I decided I would try to start running, and in the process, finish a 5k race. I was very gun-ho for the project at first. I would go out and run with a friend a couple days a week. Within a few weeks, though, I began find excuses to stay inside and skip the runs. That didn't stop race day from creeping up on me. In the end, I ran (walked) that 5k in 50:49. I didn't care about the time as much as I cared about just finishing. It was just the first step in creating a healthier me, right?  I haven't run a day since...

That is, until a few weeks ago. I figured I'd give it a try again. I started off slow. Very slow. I struggled to keep my pace under 19 minutes a mile and could barely get 2 miles in. In just a few weeks time, though, I've managed to bump that distance up 75% to 3.5 miles, 3x a week, and get my pace down to around 14 minutes.  Yesterday I even beat my original 5k time by more than 6.5 minutes!

I don't think I've ever been healthier in the past 15 years. I'm eating right. I'm exercising regularly. I'm sticking with it. I have a great support system at home and online with all of my friends. 

I've come up with a few rewards for each if my milestones I reach. I'd like to try CrossFit. I've been advised that I might prefer losing a little more weight first, as to avoid an early demise. It's intense stuff. (If you're not familiar with CrossFit, just google it.) It's also a bit costly. It's not something a can afford right now, but I found a place that told me to come in on Saturday mornings (plural) to check it out. The owner told me to just come to the Saturday morning WOD (workout of the day) until I can afford a membership. What the hell... I'm in!  So it looks like I'll be sweating like a pig, trying to keep my heart from exploding in my chest, and puking from exhaustion on Saturday mornings for a while.  Check them out here!

I've never felt the desire to better myself like I do right now. It's not just my physical health either. I want to go to school in the fall. I want to be a better father. I want to read more. I want... The list is fairly long and a bit too personal to share on here, but you get my drift. Time will tell. 

Did I mention I'm doing a GORUCK Challenge in October?  Google that one and I'll save that conversation for another day.