I've had a horrible self image since I was a kid. I've always been made fun of for being a nerd or being fat. I can handle the nerd side of things but not being called fat. I did what every other fat kid would do. I shoved those feelings down deep with more food and self loathing.
As an adult, the taunting stopped as my peers matured past name calling, but the feelings never stopped building up inside. One summer, I decided to grow a beard for no particular reason and discovered I had some freakish beard growing genetics. People eventually started coming up to me in public just to tell me how awesome the beard was. I loved the attention so much that I always kept a beard, although sometimes short, after that.
But beards are a pain in the ass. They shed. The get in everything you eat or drink. They get tangled in things. At times, mine would whip me in the eyes if I drove with the windows down! I have to groom it constantly by washing it with special shampoos, rubbing special oils in it, and brushing it out a few times a day.
The beard has been my crutch for my self image problem. I figured that if people at least liked my beard enough, they'd overlook how big I was. It was true in some small part. Eventually I was just known as that guy with the beard and not the big guy.
Now I'm trying to change how I view myself and as that happens others will change their views too. So.... The beard had to go. Most of it anyway. I want to be able to see past the furball on my face and see the active changes in me. I've lost 35+ pounds but I'm still gonna be that big guy with the beard unless I remove it from the equation.
Yes, I'll probably go back to being recognized for my size rather than my facial hair again, but I'm ok with that. I'd rather people noticed my size and comment on how much smaller I am than I used to be. This weight loss is only going to happen once and I want to be known for it... Not my beard.
Awesome post! A goatee would be cool...wish I could grow one!
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing epiphany! Good for you!
ReplyDeleteI know as your mother it doesnt help that I love you "fat" and I love you "thin"....you were always a wonderful person either way, I knew you suffered through school dealing with the BS that comes with it, I am though, amazed at your recent progress and determination, and your release of all these past feelings, you put it all out there, painful as it may be, I guess we all grow each day, never to completely grow up because we learn each day, I am glad to see you learning about YOU, and starting to love yourself more too, you've really started an amazing journey Rick, I am and always have been very proud of the man you have become, I do love your blog, you are being SO real with it all.....and on another note, I must say your weird beard growing genetics did not come from your mama, ha ha, keep rocking it son, I love you :)
ReplyDeleteI've been reading this blog from afar and thought today would be as good a day as any to let you know that I'm rooting for you. You're a huge inspiration, for me any way, and your passion and spirit for personal change and growth has helped me in my own dark moments. Thank you for your honesty in writing, and you have a great mom, that was an awesome comment she posted. =)
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