Kicked in the teeth

Last weekend marked the third year in a row that I completely failed to follow through on one of my biggest life goals. The US Air Force held it's annual marathon / half marathon / 10k / and 5k last weekend in my hometown of Dayton. It's a big event that I've sworn repeatedly to compete in via the half marathon. This year seemed like it was going to be my year. This was supposed to be my crowning moment! So what happened?  Did I fight with injuries during training? What training? Did I fall short of a speed goal to make sure I could even finish it in the allotted time? I have no clue there... So... What the fuck happened?!?!?

Not a damned thing

Literally. I treated this as if it were really never going to happen. A pipe dream. I treated it the same way I treat every obstacle in my life... By ignoring it.

"Ignorance is bliss", right?  

My ignorance was staring me right in the face this morning though. Today was the Fort 4 Fitness half marathon here in Ft. Wayne. The route goes right in front of my house, so we decided to make up some fun signs and take the kids out to watch and cheer. 

It was a great time watching all these people run through my neighborhood ad everyone shouted motivational chants and gestures. Of course, I had the regret of not being one of them, but I think that's to be expected. I'm sure I was far from being the only one around with thoughts of, "I wish I could do that." You know what really drove the nail in for me though? This guy:

There he was, confined to a wheelchair. I can only assume that he has little use of his legs, but there he was speeding by my house in a race of thousands of people. I was impressed, to say the least. The craziest thing was the fact that he was so far ahead of most people. 

I had to take a step back for a moment...

What is my fucking excuse???

Seriously. What is it? 

Is it just something I can't do? Bullshit. Of course not! I've been stuck in this loop of excuses for so long that I have them prepared ahead of time for when I fail. I knew I was going to turn my life around this year. I knew I was going to lose a lot of weight over the summer and run a half marathon. But at the same time, I knew I was full of shit. It's that "full of shit" part that I can't seem to unload every time I start something. 

What am I going to do about this?  Usually I can talk it out in my head enough to make me temporarily believe that "last time" really was the "last time."  That has not proven to serve me well though. 

I try to share my thoughts here as honestly and openly as possible. It's not that I'm looking for people to pity me or support me or whatever people think when they read it. It honestly has been something for just me. I like to think that people read it and get something from it, but if not... Eh, I'll live.

But putting my thoughts to paper hasn't been quite as therapeutic as I had hoped. I think I need to use it more as a tool for collecting advice and help from others. I try to get motivation from within after each post. It just isn't working. I realize that I need help. I have no idea where to start though. 

This "journey" of mine to lose weight and get healthy is falling apart right before my eyes and I have no clue how to stop it! I'm reaching out to you, now, for help. I'm not sure what kind of help though. You tell me!

I'm done trying to psych myself up with motivational quotes and speeches. I need something tangible and sustainable. I can't keep putting on this fake smile and pretend that I'm doing ok. It's been a summer full of great high moments but they all feel like a complete waste if I can't finish what I started. 

I'm pretty sure this will be my last post on here until something in me changes for the better permanently. I'll still be around for those of you that actually know me. For everyone else, I want to say that I appreciate some of the nice comments you've left me. I know some of you have followed me from the beginning a few months back and have been hoping to see how it would play out. I'm not giving up... I'm just taking a break from pretending to be this guy that is trying to better himself. I want to be that guy, but wanting isn't enough anymore...

Did I say "rut"? I meant the Mariana Treanch

I'm not really too sure what I want to write about in here, but I know I need to just write something.  It's been a few weeks since I've posted anything.  That's probably because I've had nothing I wanted to share.  I don't like to share the negative feelings I get.  I thought that my blog would be a great outlet for me to express my feelings, good and bad alike, with others so that I may hold myself accountable for my actions... Or lack thereof.

A few months back, I (re)created this page with the full intention of writing in it at least once or twice a week.  I was doing pretty well at first.  I was finding a lot of motivation to eat healthy and exercise regularly and I wanted to share/brag about it.  I was losing weight and for the first time ever I felt like it was finally my time to bust down some of these walls that I've built around me, keeping me from reaching some of my potential.  I joined a CrossFit gym, started eating clean, and ditched all my junk food.

Complacency set in though.  I started getting lazy again with the diet.  "I worked out hard today.  I deserve a little treat."  That's always how it starts: trade-offs.  Eventually, the complacency creeps into the trade-offs, too.  Soon, I was right back to where I started.  The one place I swore I'd never be again...  Sure, I go to the gym a few times a week, but I'm not fueling my body with clean and healthy foods.  My workouts are just enough to keep me from gaining weight at this point. 

Some of you know how this can make a person feel.  Like a complete failure, of course.  Now I know what people will say.  "You're not a failure!  Get back on track.  You can do it!"  As true as these statements are, it doesn't change the way my brain is looking at it.  I started this journey with the resolution that no matter how many times or how hard I fell, I would just get back up and push forward.  It's one thing to say something, but something completely different to mean it wholeheartedly. 

So now I'm just sitting here rambling, feeling sorry for myself.  I feel like if I put it to paper (or e-paper) I can kick start my motor.  This car is rolling downhill and all I need to do is pop the clutch to get it going and turn around.  I'm putting this message into the ether of the internet so that others can see that there are people out there going through the same things they are.  So many people are struggling to keep their motors running or are just cruising on fumes.  Maybe that's where I'm really at.  On fumes.

Where does that leave me?  I know I can pick things up and get back on track.  I know it.  Now I just have to believe it. 

I want to leave everyone with a video I came across this morning that started me on this babbling post in the first place.  This girl came across the very same video that started me down the weight loss journey and decided to make her own version of it.  Maybe in a year from now I'll be able to post my own video.  I promise to set it to some Coldplay or some other music to hit people right in the feels.

Remember Me?

Remember this guy?  It is indeed myself from about 2 months ago.  I had just finished the most physically draining challenge of my life and I felt like I could stop a speeding train with a mere thought.  It was just a few days later that I jumped head first into CrossFit.  I started going 2 days a week because I felt too sore to go any more, but as the soreness got more bearable I didn't ramp up my activity.  I fell into that rut I posted about a few weeks ago and haven't been able to climb out.  Last week I was hit with a migraine after the Monday morning WOD and have been in a slow recovery ever since.  I've been physically unable to workout and it's showing on the scale.  I've gained a little weight and it's making me a little anxious to get back at it.  The fact that my diet hasn't been up to par with my expectations doesn't help either.

I'm going to try to make it in to the gym tonight for my return workout.  I'd like to believe that I'm doing a "hard reset" and jump starting my body back into high gear.  I've pointed out a few times that I knew ahead of time that I'd have failure moments but knew I could move past them.  Honestly?  I'm at that point right now and looking for a way to forgive myself for falling.  It's harder than usual this time.  I genuinely felt like this was my moment.  This was the time I was going to really turn things around.  I held myself to a higher standard, and now that I'm regressing, I've got a longer fall.

I'm writing this blog as a sort of parachute though.  The accountability I've built with it is going to be my key to success.  By letting others know what is going on inside my head, I can try to force myself to keep going through the fear of disappointing others.  It may be just a bandaid but I think it'll be enough to keep me from hemorrhaging out and completely failing.  And it's not going to be enough to just keep going forward.  I need to advance past the idea of doing "just enough".  Yea, my goal is to lose a bunch of weight, but that truly isn't enough.  I want to set an example to others.  I want my kids to be able to say more than, "My daddy used to be fat, but now he's not."  I want there to be a fucking story behind it!  I want that story to be unique from all the other weight loss stories.  "I watched what I ate and exercised regularly and eventually lost weight...."  Blah blah blah blah...  It's the same story 90% of the time, but I feel like I have more to offer than that.

So now that I've got that off my chest, I want to re-evaluate and adjust and add a few goals:

Goal weight:  < 200lbs
Goal deadline: July 1st, 2014
Secondary Goals:
     1: 2014 Memorial Day Murph Rx'd
     2: Do a muscle up before Murph
     3. Fort4Fitness 1/2 marathon - Sept. 2013
     4. GoRuck Challenge - Oct. 2013
     5. I have a biggie here, so I may hang on to it for a bit before I decide to share it.

So if you see me out and about, feel free to ask how my workout plan and weight loss is going.  I want your help to keep me in check and focused on these goals.  Don't be afraid to give me a little crap if you think I'm slacking.  I'll try not to get butt hurt over it.  I have a few other things in my life to work out other than my physical health, but that's something for another blog maybe.  Other than that, I'm done here.

 I'm also going to try to update this blog a little more often than I have been.